“Be ready…” – Sister Brigitta Barnai on cancer, atonement, release | Hungarian Courier

– The issue of health and illness is very relevant in your life. Can you talk about that?

– It is a conscious decision on my part to speak honestly about my cancer everywhere, because it can help others as well. In the fall of 2019, at the age of forty-four, I started to feel special pains that I had never had in my body before. I realized this because perhaps I had already entered menopause, I was sweating at night, tired while climbing stairs, and had a fever in the evenings. I’m not the ‘googling’ type, I simply went to the GP to find out what was wrong with me. It was the end of September, many people get cold at this time, the flu also started, so the doctor said he didn’t see anything out of the ordinary, if I had a fever, I should take antipyretics. […]

“You were admitted to the infectious disease department of the hospital in Ajka.” You received a serious diagnosis, a series of serious treatments began, and finally the tumor was removed. What treatments did you receive after the surgery?

– I received the strongest, three-day, inpatient chemotherapy every two weeks. At such times, the material, the strongest of it, kept coming to me; of these, I received seventy-eight treatments. When that didn’t help, medication came, with not much result. After that, I received biological treatment at the oncology course in Veszprém. Here, depending on the results of the blood test, I received the treatment on the spot, and then went home. When I was in the hospital for three days with the other patients, the big questions of life came up. If someone wasn’t very sick, we talked a lot. And everything came out: unprocessed childhood experiences, parent-child relationships, unresolved family problems, injuries, marital relationships, hurts, but also joys, pride, and we laughed a lot.

Patients thought that because I was a nun it was easier for me because I was “closer to God” so I knew for sure what death would be like or who would be cured. Even though I said that I was the same person as them, somehow they saw a man of God in me.

This was a very interesting experience for me. This experience led me to formulate for myself first what illness, letting go, passing away, and death mean to me, because that is the only way I can speak authentically about these things, that is the only way I can give an answer to these sick people. Many of the people I was in the same room with are no longer with us. I just have a feeling about them that they are in the right place. Among other things, my illness taught me to be more compassionate and share the same fate with patients. Until now, it has not been an integral part of my life with such intensity.

“Do you have a memory of a particularly important conversation?”

– I had a fellow patient who, at first, could not bear the questions about letting go, passing away, and death. He told us to leave the room when we were talking about these things because he was not willing to deal with the subject. Then his condition got worse and worse, and when I got into the same room with him again, he called me to his bedside. He said: “I am very afraid of death, I know it is very close, but I am not a religious person. God is out of my life. I’m terrified of hell that I’ll end up there. Tell me what to do now!” After a short prayer, the thought arose in me: “God, help me to give him hope, so that I can give him something to hold on to and comfort him.” Then I said to him: “Listen, I think that there is very little separating this world and the one that awaits us. I believe they are waiting for us there. I think the people who are already there and loved us will help.” Well, that’s when he burst into sobs that neither his mother nor his father loved him, he had been unloved all his life. We continued to talk and I said to him, “Surely there is or was someone in your life who loved you.” Then her eyes widened and she said with a smile, “My grandmother.” And then we started talking about his grandmother. About the person with whom you experienced being loved. Then he also mentioned one of his aunts, the people who are no longer here, and through whom he experienced love and acceptance. At the end of the conversation, we even laughed, recalling the beautiful experiences. And he calmed down. […]

– You are energetic, radiant.

– Yes, everyone says “but you look good, you give us strength”. The story of my last treatment: I lie there, I get an allergy shot. In such cases, I usually fall asleep immediately. And half asleep I hear a lady on the bed next to me say, “She’s my role model.” I wondered why I was a role model as I lay here in this miserable state. It turns out that it’s because patients talk about how much it helps them that I listen to them. We comfort each other. I am extremely grateful to my doctor, he is doing everything he can to cure me, both medically and humanly. When we get frustrated together, I encourage my doctor by saying, “don’t worry, the story doesn’t end here.” And then he says “well yes, Brigitta, we should all live like this”.

The illness taught me to consciously live in reality and presence, to be present for God here and now. The way I am, who I am, and this becomes even stronger in illness, so that I can live more consciously that today is the day, this is the moment.

I like to live my life in such a way that you are now, you are the most important people in my life, you are my neighbors, I pay attention to you because I don’t know what will happen in an hour. And I thank God that we know neither the day nor the hour. The conversation about death and passing is missing from our culture, we don’t talk about it enough. That’s why I really like Alaine Polcz, because she spoke openly about passing away, about death, that you don’t have to be afraid of it. It is also used in the term “standby state”, which is mostly used in connection with computers. What does it mean to put myself “on standby” to be ready for God? Jesus also says in the Bible: “Be ready…” and this is an invitation. We practice presence when performing the spiritual exercises, to be completely present for God. I practice on a daily basis how to be ready. The prayer of St. Ignatius of Loyola about “loving attentiveness” helps me a lot in this, in which I look back on my day: I give thanks, ask for forgiveness, and ask for grace for the next day. In such cases, I let go of the day, hand it over to God, because the day I lived will never come back, it is part of eternity. In the meantime, I feel that my strength is waning, I can’t take as much as I used to. This also belongs to letting go, accepting that I am no longer so strong. To accept that at the age of forty-five I became less able to work, in a nasty word: I was reduced by a percentage. At a time when others are still at their peak.

“What did you have to let go of first?”

“I had to let go of my expectations of myself.” I asked God: “Lord, how can I serve you now? Am I really devalued?” Or I just needed to think about it, God wants something else from me now, his hand touches me differently now, I just need time to understand.

This disease has become an integral part of my life’s journey, and in the last almost three years, it has given me many gifts and valuable things, taught me many things that would not have happened if I had not had this disease.

By letting go of my health, letting go of not being able to work and perform as before, I became freer. And this freedom helped me to redesign my life. […]

“Do you dare to look ahead?”

– Absolute. That’s the only way I can live. I have a thousand plans. From September, we re-opened the community space in our house, once a month we welcome interested parties to the various spiritual programs that we organize. Once a month we hold a Taizé prayer class, where we pray together with many kind people. I personally accompany some adults and several enthusiastic young people on the path of their spiritual life and their relationship with God; I also meet online with people whose spiritual practice I accompanied, and who need further fellowship and spiritual sharing, this is also a valuable group for me. Veszprém will be the European capital of culture next year, we are already planning what kind of spiritual program we can offer in the land of the queens. In this regard, we are involved in an important project for which we received all the support. A father also contacted me recently that there are more and more cancer patients in his environment, so we are also planning to start a self-help group. It’s simply that listening to people is often enough, and if we really listen to them, the next step will be revealed. These plans and services give me strength, cheer me up, and motivate me so that I still have work to do here on earth. They confirm that even with illness, God loves and uses him for his glory, for as long as he wants. And that certainty is more important than anything else.

The full conversation The heart it can be read in the November 2022 issue of jesuita magazine.

Source and foto: Hungarian Order of the Society of Jesus

Hungarian Courier